Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
