That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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