apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
