Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Randomize
