U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
