How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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