I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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