I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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