Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
