I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
