Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
