I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
