shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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