Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
