I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
there is glitter all over my balls
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