I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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