i already hear my dad disowning me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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