The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
