Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
operation have a gay friend backfired
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
