Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
