He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
