Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
