He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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