A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And then he peed in my hair
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