U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
