she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
