He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
