There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Of course I have a pirate flag
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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