I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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