Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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