Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
