Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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