nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
