I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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