Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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