pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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