You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
