if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
