Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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