I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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