Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Are my feet made of real feet?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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