You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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