Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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