you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i now understand why vodka
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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