Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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