The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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