Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
