my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
