White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
