My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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